I Stand Alone

In a world of chaos, I stand alone, by myself.
Torn and twisted, all the hope of the future mingles
With the pain of the past creating the bittersweet present.
When the laughter fades, I must laugh alone
With no one else.
Secrets never misunderstood
For they linger on my lips forever unspoken.
Eternally damaged, broken.
Longing for some unknown answers to a silent question.
I stand alone, damaged goods in a beautiful box,
The part of my soul that remained unscarred
Stays sheltered from it all, watches as I wander this world, lost.
When love no longer matters,
My heart will beat alone, by itself.
When the world turns against me,
There is one solution left for me to follow through.
To show everyone just how strong I can be,
I must fight . . . fight . . . fight . . . until the end,
For the entire world to see.
When there is no hope left,
And my world has turned upside down,
I must stand by myself,
To stand my own ground.

Note to GOD: My Cry

I know that I am very blessed. I give You THANKS for every blessing I've received in the past, today, and the blessings yet to come. I understand that my steps have been ordered but at this point, I don't know my purpose in life. I understand that people must go through trials and tribulations to get to where they are destined to be, I just never thought it would come to this point. Jesus, I am asking you to come into my life and guide me. Show me the way, because it seems as if everything my life is in shambles. My tears won't stop falling and the only time I am immune to the pain is when I'm asleep. So, I tried to stay asleep as much as possible today. I know that I cannot continue to run away. I need some direction. It's just me and You right now and I am positive that I can call on You. Everything I've ever loved, I've lost. I am back to that PLACE CALLED NOWHERE, and it's lonely here. The only difference in the pain I have now is that it isn't UNKNOWN. I know where it's coming from, yet I still feel as though I have no control. I have nobody but You God, and I am begging You to make it alright. I have nothing but my FAITH and that is whats going to have to get me through because I don't have the answers to why am I here? Or what did I do to deserve this? Or why doesn't anybody understand? Or how do I move forward? Am I being tested on the amount of strength within me? If so, I'm not quite sure if I can pass this one without You. I've always had SOMEBODY in my corner and maybe they're still there. Maybe they just don't know I need them more now than I ever have before at this very minute. Maybe they just have so many problems of their own that it's extremely hard to see mine. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but can you please speak to their hearts and show them how things really are? I'm ice cold. My unborn child is just kicking away, and I pray that she is not enduring the same pain as me. I hope she doesn't feel the way I feel right now. I never want her to hurt so eventhough she is inside me, please block her from my pain. God, I am asking you to pick me up right now. I am lost and I need You to get me back on track before I bring life into this world. I cannot deal with her having to live under these circumstances. I cannot allow her to see me like this. I want what is BEST for her and I cannot give her that if I don't get past this. So, I'm giving IT ALL to You. Please cleanse my heart. Provide me with the strength I need to get through. Show me the road back to happiness and I shall follow.

In Jesus' Name I Pray,
AMEN

It's a Girl!!

I know. I know! I've been slacking when it comes to blogging. So much has happened in my life since the New Edition blog, I don't even know where to start. Things haven't gone quite the way I wanted them to, but I know it'll get better, so I'm not going to complain.

This blog is strictly for my little mama! Last month I had another ultrasound to determine the gender of the baby and of course to make sure she's developing like she should be. Well, IT'S A GIRL!!! :) I'm so excited! I do have a pic but the excited grandmother to be is holding it hostage at her work desk. As soon as I get it back, I'll post it. I also had a triple screen test to determine if she will have any birth defects such as down syndrome and some others that I can't think of, and all tests came back negative! Thank you Jesus!!! She is completely healthy and is right on track with her growth. I just began my 7th month of pregnancy. Boy does time fly!!! November 9th is her due date, so this little diva will be here before I know it!

So, I wanted her name to be Chosen, but O and my mother HATED IT! I thought it was beautiful and had pretty much made up my mind but I'm not going to go against Baby Daddy's opinion. After all, she is his child too. So, I came up with Kensleigh Arion and to my surprise he liked it....so that's what we're gonna go with. Little Miss Kensleigh!!! :)

I can't wait for her arrival. I think about her all the time. What she looks like...her personality...how big she's gonna be...her first smile...her and her father's relationship...and much more. She is already the highlight of my life and she isn't even here yet. My motherly instincts have already kicked in and I can't wait to be the best mommy I can be. I know it's gonna be hard, but I am willing to do everything in my power to make sure that my daughter is well taken care of, teach her things my grandmother and mother taught me, provider her with all that she needs and be there for her at all times. She is a true blessing from God and I thank him every chance I get for her. Yeah... I'm ready to do the mommy thang now!

Side note: I promise, I am going to start blogging more!