Today Was a Good Day

I feel so much better today. Yesterday was a terrible day for me and I've now come to a realization that I need to make a doctor's appointment regarding my anxiety. Otherwise, it will only get worse and I'm not even trying to go out like that! All along, I was thinking "this is something I can fix myself, I don't need a doctor" but after experiencing those feelings yesterday, I'm pretty sure I was wrong about that. I'm very grateful to have so much support from my mother and my bff. They are truly blessings and I cannot stress that enough.

Today was very productive for me. I had a conversation with every single patient that walked into our clinic. (only because I had to, but I still did it) And I did it without having any anxiety attacks. So, as you can see, some days are much better than others. I'm not sure what triggers all of the negative feelings I get some days, but I guess that's what the docs are for. So, my next step in the process of anxiety ass kickin, is right into one of their offices. Holla

I just don't know

I try to be a strong person...I really do! But where does strength come from? I don't understand how my mama does it. She's always been a strong woman and I've never seen her break. NEVER! No matter what goes on in her life, she always remains strong with her head held high. She doesn't complain, I can't recall ever seeing her cry, and she always finds a way to get through no matter how challenging it may seem. I wish I could be like her. I'm just about ready to get out of here! Don't get me wrong, I love my job and am very grateful for it. And I do realize that I am truly blessed to have it. I just don't think I'm strong enough to be here alone. I am trying to build a new life here, but I feel as though I have no life. I don't go out. I don't socialize with anyone. I cry a lot. Sometimes I get so depressed, my heart literally hurts. I'm lonely! People tell me all the time, "Girl, you got it good!" And I try to drill that in my head, but it's just not working for me. My social anxiety is taking over my life and I don't know what to do. I used to be able to hide it from people, but it's getting worse and worse by the day and I'm about to go crazy. Most of the time I don't even want to leave my house. I can't do most of the things others take for granted. Simple things like going to the grocery store, or the mall, or anywhere for that matter. I have panic attacks when I'm around lots of people. I start to shake. I don't want to speak because I feel as though I'm going to say something stupid. Everyone at my job is very close to each other and I feel like they think I'm weird because I don't say to much to them. It's not because I don't like them, it's just because I don't know what to say. My mind goes blank a lot and I start to feel dumb. I'm not blogging about this for anyone to feel sorry for me at all. Hell, I don't even expect for anybody to understand. I don't want a pitty party, I just wish I were normal. Here I am a 25 year old woman and I can't maintain. I'm so co-dependant upon my family and I know it shouldn't be that way, but it is. I don't know how to live in a huge city like Dallas. It's very overwhelming for me. I was trying to handle this situation on my own, but I'm not succeeding. I just don't know what to do and I'm getting to a point where I don't even want to live anymore...I desperately need help.

Nobody Like You

I never had a friend quite like you.
Nobody I could trust enough to tell all my business to.
Nobody to call upon in my desperate times of need.
Nobody to sneak out the house with to smoke that good weed.
I never had a friend as loyal and as sincere as you.
Nobody that understands me and that I understand too.
Friends since kindergarten, remember the yellow class?
Yeah, I was transferred to the red, you had to stay with the bad asses!
Remember going to the dances at the boys and girls club?
We’d get dropped of on the corner because,
“Can’t nobody see us on the back of this truck!”
Or what about recording ourselves singing “If I Ever Fall In Love”?
We never got through the whole song cause we laughed too damn much.
How about that time we snuck to New Orleans, just you and me?
We had so much fun playing retarded bingo didn’t we?
You are the realist friend a person could ever ask for.
I’m Thelma and you’re Louise, who could possibly want more?
No matter what we went through, you always stayed the same.
I now know the meaning of true friends, and for that you’re the one to blame.
You’re funny, you’re honest, and you never placed judgment on me.
All these things I appreciate, so I’m grateful God allowed us to meet.
Without you as my friend, I don’t know where in life I’d be.
So, you keep dotting my I’s and I’ll keep crossing your T’s.
Agreed?

30 Thoughts

1. I love baby's.

2. Marriage is so overrated.

3. I hate my knees.

4. So I don't wear shorts.

5. Potato soup from Panera Bread is the best.

6. How do you know when you're in love?

7. Can some one's standards be to high?

8. I mean, you want what you want right?

9. Heaven by Jamie Foxx is my new favorite song. Oldie but goodie.

10. Is a woman's intuition usually right?

11. If not, is that insecurity?

12. I want a time machine for Christmas!

13. Just take me back to '98.

14. I don't have a lot of friends.

15. Because I choose not to.

16. My family is the bomb!

17. I get distracted very easily.

18. I cried yesterday.

19. Don't ask why...none of your bizz!

20. I finally expressed my true feelings last night!

21. Liver is the most disgusting meat I've ever eaten.

22. Chicken is the best.

23. I watch "The Hills". My guilty pleasure.

24. I love to sing...just can't do it well.

25. Why was I in such a rush to grow up?

26. I don't believe in the death sentence.

27. No exceptions.

28. I have a secret crush. Shhh!

29. I hate when people stand over my shoulder.

30. Is a long distant relationship worth it?

Do Your Job!

I told ya'll I would not get along with the staff in the office of my apartment complex. I already knew. Previously I blogged about my new apartment (apartment blues) and I mentioned the raggedy, out-dated refrigerator. Yeah, the ICE BOX! Well, it passed on to ice box heaven Sunday night. I went to get something to drink Monday morning as I was getting ready for work, as always and my tea was room temp, so I knew something wasn't right. I checked the freezer and sure enough, it wasn't on. I had a freezer full of meat and other stuff, so letting it spoil was not an option. I immediately called the office to inform them of my contingency. At this time it's umm, about 6:45 or so. I knew I'd get the voicemail because they don't open until 8:00, but I was fine with that. I just wanted to make sure I reported it right away. At about 8:45, I follow-up with them to see if they'd gotten my message and if they did what the status of my work order was. I cannot get through. Nobody answers for at least 5 hours! (lazy asses) So, I send my little cousin down there to tell them in person since they won't answer, but I still keep trying to call. They put the order in. Once I do speak with someone, she proceeds to tell me that a work order has been placed and she cannot give me anymore information on the status. I'm trying to be nice, but I can feel myself getting mad. I say, "I need to know something because I have food in my refrigerator that will go bad if it's not repaired today." Here she is, "Well, ma'am I understand, but there is nothing I can do. I called the maintenance guys and they will be out as soon as they can." And she said that with some attitude! Now, she could've given me some more information. If she was doing her job, she'd know how many work orders were already out and which one's were being taken care of now. If she was doing what the fuck she was supposed to be doing, my work order would've been placed first thing in the morning. I just let her cross-eyed ass know. Look, if my food goes bad, somebody is going to reimburse me for it! I pay rent for these services, so if I call, I expect somebody to pick up the phone. If I place a work order, especially an emergency one, I need somebody out to fix it ASAP. Not when you feel like you want to tell them. This is not the first time I've been dissatisfied with your service and if I'm going to be paying you rent every month, ya'll need to make some changes in that office because this is just ridiculous. I understand that people get busy. I do...because I can get swamped on my job as well. But, it's one thing to be extremely busy and another to be lazy and let work pile up because you don't feel like it. Get it together! I can guarantee Alicia will come out again on these people! To end this long story (because I'm definitely not making it short), I got a brand new refrigerator at about 3pm that day. However, had I not gone off on that cross eyed fool, who knows how long it would've taken.

Just as Trifling as They Come!

Ok, not all men are full of shit, but the majority definitely are! Attn: MEN! If you see a woman that you may be interested in, please do not honk your horn! Don't say, "yo baby, yo baby, yo". Don't say "damn you fine". These are all signs of a no good, nothing ass brotha! I mean, come on now. If you don't know how to approach a woman with the appropriate mannerism, I suggest you keep it moving and find a hood rat or a hoe to pursue. I was driving back to my office after attending a health fair. Upon my arrival at a red light, some guy honks his horn out of nowhere. Naturally, I turned my head thinking maybe I know this person. He proceeds to roll his window down talking about, "yo what's up baby". Uh uh! Are you serious? First of all, you are driving a raggedy, 1947, squeaky pinto on some 20 inch rims. I almost choked from the smoke escaping the pipes in your car before I stopped. Your shirt was buttoned 1/2 way up and your taco meat was hanging all out for the world to see. That is not a good look pimp. I didn't want to be rude, but I sure wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of thinking he was getting somewhere, because clearly he was not! I gave him a fake smile and dialed my voicemail on my phone so I could pretend to be pre-occupied and not seem like I was ignoring him intentionally. He honks again so I look over and he's making hand gestures trying to hint around to me giving him my phone number. I don't think so playa! Sitcho ass down somewhere. I'm sure there is some woman out there for you, but I am definitely not the one. Men, this is the prime example of what not to do when you see someone of interest.

Anyway, TGIF ya'll! Have a great weekend :)

Aftermath of Ike

So, as you all probably know, hurricane Ike tore Galveston up! As of today, Galveston still has no electricity and it's been a week. Fortunately, Mama (north of Galveston) does have power now but she was out for 5 days. I actually went to my mom's house to ride the storm out with my family. Yeah, I know. You're probably thinking what the hell is wrong with her? Why would she go meet a storm projected to be deadly? I really don't have an answer to that question. All I know is that my entire family was at my mother's house ready and willing to face Ike. I wanted to be with them. I figured if something happened to us, at least we'd be together. You're reading this blog now so you know I'm still breathing. Although the storm was very intense, nobody got hurt. There was a little damage to my mom's house, but nothing extreme. On the contrary, my grandmother and a friend of my boyfriend's lost everything. A few other people I know have lost their belongings as well.

My brother never evacuated Galveston, but he's not hurt. He was able to sneak past the guards and get on the phone while in jail to call me and make sure we were okay. He said they were feeding them sandwiches and they hadn't had power or water since the storm hit. I know it's a bunch of funky dicks in that jail house!

My uncle and a few friends came up to Dallas and stayed at my crib. We actually had a great time considering the fact that I only have a one bedroom apartment and it contained 9 people for almost a week. Yeah, it was a bus load of us, but we made it work.

I'm not sure when Galveston will be livable again, but it doesn't seem as if it will be anytime soon. After seeing the news, it doesn't look like it will ever be the same. Guess time will tell.

Ike coming thru....get the hell outta dodge!

Well, because of hurricane Ike, Galveston was issued a mandatory evacuation today. My mama lives about 20 miles north so she isn't going anywhere. Some of my other family members are going to her house today and they're just going to hang out I guess. Have a hurricane party or something...I dunno! I think everybody is tired of this hurricane evacuation mess. I know this may sound crazy, but I wish I were there. It's times like this that I long to be with my family. I knew I'd miss them when I moved, but I didn't think I'd miss them this much. My uncle did call to say he might drive up with his daughter this weekend and my God-brother is coming up today as well. But, I don't know if I want him all up in my apartment like that. Last time he came to Dallas, he pissed me off with that free loading shit. Now, I got to be hiding my shit just so he won't use it all because I know he's going to bring 50 loads of clothes to wash! And ain't gonna even make one attempt to replace my shit. Anyhoo, it's still going to be good to see him. I wonder what they're doing with the people in the county jail. I mean, I know they committed a crime, but shouldn't they be evacuating as well? They don't deserve to stay there. My little brother is in there so they better do something! I know we're supposed to have some bad weather from this storm in Dallas too. Tornado watches, flooding, and high winds. People please be safe in that weather out there! If you are in the storms path, I pray that you and your family are guided to a safe environment and your homes are not damaged in any form. God Bless!

9/11

I was in college algebra at GC and everything was going according to planned. In the middle of class my instructor says, "Class is dismissed due to the terrible events going on in New York at this time." I was so happy to depart class, I didn't even ask what he was referring to. I packed my stuff into my pink Jansport, hit the door, and walked to my boyfriend's (at the time) house. (If you want a better understanding of who I'm speaking of, please see the blog entitled "Fake Ass"). So, I get there and once I enter, the news is on and every one's eyes are glued to the television. When I hear of the events taking place, it seems as if this is a horrible, horrible joke. I tried to weigh out the possiblities. A terrible accident is what this has to be. Yeah, that's it. But as I watched the second plane take action, I knew. America was under attack. This cannot possibly be happening...You only see stuff like this in movies or maybe in a different country, but not in America! Is this really, really happening, I thought. No, this can't be happening to us. The United States is invincible. But, sure enough it was happening. The rug of skepticism swept from under my feet and I realized that this was something very serious. This was REAL! As the day went on, the news displayed coverage of this tragedy continuously. You saw footage of the planes crashing, suffocating smoke for days, people covered in ashes running for their lives and even jumping from the flaming buildings to their deaths. The entire country was in complete awe. Nobody knew what to do nor what to expect. Who would do such a cruel thing and why did they hate us so? I immediately began to think of all the people trapped in these airplanes and buildings. Where are their families? What really happened on these planes? Did the passengers ever learn to know what was going on, or did they assume they'd be landing safely at their planned destinations? If they did know, did they try to reprimand the hijackers? Where was these hijackers' humanity? Didn't they see the concern and helplessness in these people's eyes? Did they really come to grips with what they were about to take part in? How long ago had this been planned? How could security allow anyone to get through with weapons? What were the people that were denied evacuation of the WTC because they were on the floors above the impact zone thinking? What did they do? Did they call a loved one? Did they pray? Panic? These terrorists changed our country forever. How could they? I still just can't bring myself to understand...

I digress. Happy Birthday Kendolynn and Justin.

HBD

Happy Birthday Kenya!

Why?

Why don't the stars shine all night?
Or the grass grow in the sky?
Why does the sun shine so bright?
Why can't people have wings and fly?
Why are the mountains so still?
And if I sat on a cloud would I fall?
If it wasn't for school would we learn anything at all?
Why doesn't rain come from the earth?
And why can't people speak from birth?
Why do we have ears when nobody wants to listen?
Why are prophets the only ones with visions?
Why do we all have different times to die?
And why do we need tears to cry?
Why do people have to starve when there are people who are so full?
And why does love have so many damn rules?
Why do we have eyes in the world that can not see?
Why can’t someone be laying right here next to me?
Hmm, I guess my wonders will remain a mystery.

Hurricane Harbor

So, I was watching the news this morning and noticed that Hurricane Ike is headed straight for Galveston! I don't think they've been assigned evacuation thus far, but if this hurricane stays within it's predicted path, they will need to do something! I'm going to keep watching news updates to see what the hell is going on...

old skool jamz

If you haven't gone to http://www.throwbacksongs.com then you've got to get there now! I'm telling you-with every song you hear, your mind will drift away to some point in your life that you can reminisce about. The good ol' days! The days when we had a cool cup lady...Saturday morning cartoons (the smurfs & woody woodpecker)...hide and seek...cut the cake...mama may I?...red light green light...hyper-color T-Shirts...record players...BK's and Elise tennis shoes...slap bracelets...popcorn balls...a family member with a "box"...Nintendo...hot combs...easy bake ovens...clothes lines...monkey bars...when a flood meant it was time to take a swim...the A's baseball games...Penny Saver's...free lunch...light bright...def comedy jam...double dare...slinkys...hammer pants...Genera...Jellys...I can go on and on and on! Just go to the site! I promise you'll love love love it!

Democratic Take Over!

I told you to sitcho ass down Mc. Cain! You got boo'd Apollo style last night. PRICELESS! That was very shocking to me. You would think that everyone in the RNC would be supportive of Mc. Cain right? It was the Republican National Convention. I mean, that's how it went down for my man, Mr. Barack Obama at the DNC. He didn't have any protesters. But that's because he keeps it real and he is sincere when he emphasizes on the change he will make in this country. Mc. Cain is full of infected scrotum. No lie! But you know what? He had it coming to him because I feel like this-If you consistently criticize someone and steadily knock them down to boost yourself, you are bound for failure. Don't tell me what Barack Obama cannot do for this country...tell me what you CAN do! Obviously you can't do anything...nada....zip....zero....SHIT! Because if you could, you would've given me the heads up. To me this whole politics situation is like a game of monopoly. If you win fair and square...cool beans... But, if you win and you've stolen money and property during the process, you haven't won a got damn thang! Well, technically you've won, but morally you haven't and you should feel like shit! You are not worthy of victory...point, blank, period. With that said...big ups to Barack! Keep doing your thang. We got this in the bank!

So True

When you have a setback, don't step back, because God is preparing you for an ultimate comeback!

Random Swag

Thank GOD for my mama and my aunt! Without them, I'd be up shit's creek right now...for real! They came to my rescue immediately. Big ups to my Mama and Aunt Ros! I love ya'll...

I don't really have much to say today. This blog is just random. I slept really good last night. I was in bed by 9:30 and I actually woke up when my alarm clock went off, which by the way, never happens. I always have to sleep an extra 5 to 20 minutes every morning...depending on how I feel. Any hoo, I'm at work and clinic is running awfully slow today. Ya'll know what that means...the day is going to dawdle! It's only 9:36 and I already feel like I've been here all day.

Ok, why do people call your phone and if you don't answer, they call right back private? What the hell is that? Muthafucka, I know that is you. If I wanted to talk to yo ass, I would've picked up the first time. Don't play! Sitcho ass down... If you know me, you already know that I will turn my phone on silent in a New York minute and not think twice about it. If you aren't my mama, yo ass can wait until I feel like being bothered. Don't call me and say "what you doing?". No, what the fuck do you want?! I'm not trying to be mean or anything, because if you are calling me for a reason, I don't have a problem with that. But if you call me to breathe on the phone, that's a different story. Don't do that. PLEASE! I don't wanna see who can breathe the loudest! I don't have the time nor minutes for that shit. And stop sending me forwards on my cell phone talking bout, "If you love Jesus, prove it and send this to 10 ppl." I know I love Jesus and I don't have to prove it to you or your mama or anybody else for that matter. I will not have good luck and my phone will not ring in 5 minutes if I forward that stupid chain letter shit. Stop sending me that shit! I do not have unlimited text messaging and I do believe I was the last/only person to pay my phone bill. Do not text and ask what I'm doing! I'm not about to type a whole damn conversation in a text message! Come now! You should know this already. Why people? WHY???

Well that's all I got. Just some random swag....

quote

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Weekend

I had the best time this weekend! That drive back from Dallas wasn't the business, but the rest of the weekend was straight! Friday night a very good friend of the family (guess you could say cousin) had a birthday party. We played dominoes, drank, ate, and drank some more! Real quick though, before I go any further, I must address this.

Ok, why the hell do people feel the need to fake like they are sick or hurt in some way? How about a certain somebody (I ain't gon say no names or point no fingers, but you know who you are) came to the party walking on a damn cane! First of all, it matched her outfit ya'll (LMAO), plus she was "dropping it like it was hot" 30 minutes after she made her grand entrance limping and shit! Who the fuck does that?! Talking about she tore her MCL...SITCHO ASS DOWN!!! Ain't a got damn thang wrong with you and I know this because it NEVER is when you complain. You just want attention as always. Remember when you lied and said your toes were broke because somebody ran over them with a car? You should already know ain't nobody gonna take your ass serious after you pulled that shit! LOL... Anyway, that's a whole different blog I really don't have the energy to write about because I'd tear this keyboard up. So, that's enough of that.

So, Saturday my uncle and his classmates (c/o 1992) had a little gathering at Bourderaux restaurant. If you're from the Houston area, you know what I'm talking about. They have cajun-style food thats umm umm good! I mean, it's bucklin! Anyway, we drank again. Long Island Iced Tea-you are my friend to the end! It was a really nice time. Afterward, Bourbon Street is where our drunkiness led us. A lil hole-in-the-wall club. One of those clubs where you know every single person when you walk in. The B.Y.O.B club with the ice bucket in the middle of the table. Yep! That's the one...you know what I'm talking about! But all in all, I had a hell of a good time. I danced, mingled with the people and went off on a few guys because they asked me to buy their beer! Are you serious? If you don't get out of my face and sitcho ass down somewhere with yo broke, fake Gucci print unit you got from the flea market, funk nasty breath, wanna be thug ass! Are you serious?! Talking about you buy mine and I'll buy the next. PLEASE! We ended up leaving there early and by that time I was DONE!

Sunday was chill. I slept pretty much all day. I had a bad toothache and made the mistake of taking Vicoden. I was knocked the hell out! I ended up missing my friends solo at church and everything. I'll have to catch the next one cause I really did want to go, but at 8:00am, I was dead to the world. Anyway, that's all I got for now.

HOLLA!